living on both ends - an exploration of best and worst

Not this weekend

WORST of the weekend - Not one thing.

A good time was had by the clerk

BEST of the weekend – For a while, I have wanted to be more productive. With an international move back to New Jersey, then a chronic illness, then cancer and a partial hearing loss, my focus for the past eight years has been transition, health, recovery and acceptance. Attending School of the Spirit was full and rich. I knew there was some re-organization happening in my soul and I wanted to test out the Spirit's work within me in the lab of the world outside my family. For the past six months, as I refinanced our home in NJ (Sojourn), purchased the new rowhome in Philly ( which seems to want to be named Solace), and created a sense of order there for L, I have become more and more aware of this longing to be more productive.

So, when I was asked to clerk a somewhat large and unwieldy committee that meets on three full weekends a year, I felt it was right order to say "Yes". This weekend, I started that clerking process.

I felt led not to bring an elder, and as I held that in the Light, I decided to explore, with the committee, what it looks like to elder ourselves. And as I rode the train the weekend, reading Elizabeth's Boardman's Where do I Stand? and the notes from my clerking weekend with Arthur Larrabee, clarity came. A conversation with the former clerk as I stood in Penn Station furthered the clarity.

When I arrived at my destination, I found the easel with paper and the pens, and I wrote the following:

To do the work let's honor Quaker Process

Elder thyself

-Enter meeting in worship.

- Hold the space and each other in the Light to work toward Spirit-led sense of the meeting.

 

Clerk thyself

-Enter open to the spirit.

- Receive clerk's nod before speaking

- Rise if possible, ground thyself, then speak.

 

Mind the Light

-Discern "Will what I am about to say help meeting discern and be obedient to God's will for us?" From Where do I Stand?

- Make use of "This Friend speaks my mind."

 

Ration thyself

-Allow room for others to speak.

-Speak only once to each issue.

 

We started the weekend with an optional Meeting for Worship before dinner Friday Night. After dinner, when I welcomed Friends and started the Meeting for Worship for Business, I informed Friends we had no elder, (in my perception there had been some low-level grumbling when the former clerk brought an elder to our last committee weekend) and we were going to do a practicum to become aware of eldering ourselves. I remembered the exercise from an eldering workshop facilitated by Elaine Emily and modified it as I felt led to fit our needs.

I asked Friends for two minutes to hold the person to the right of them in the Light, then for two minutes hold the person to the left of them in the Light and practice receiving the Light that was being given, then hold the space in the Light. When we finished the practicum, I read the above guidelines for Quaker process. Before each Meeting for Worship for Business, I read the guide lines again. Before the next few Meetings for Worship for Business we did the practicum again. Although there was initially a fair bit of resistance to rise to speak, by the end of the weekend, it seemed a natural part of our work.

We started Sunday am with a worship sharing that addressed what our relationship was with the work we were doing, and what the work we were doings relationship was with us. The actual wording of the query was not quite that awkward; it was more specific to place. To me, the worship sharing felt gathered. The business that followed became a bit dicey at one point, L was sitting to my left and I jokingly said "they're working me hard." I felt the end result was a much more functional working group.

I had so much fun. Oh, and for the rest of my clerking term, the committee approved having an elder.

 

 

government of the people

It occurred to me that if people can discount a leader because he does not follow what they perceive to be the teachings of their God, then those same people do not believe in a democratic republic.

caring

WORST- For years, I was a pretty judgmental smug person of faith. I knew what a life of faith looked like, and what it did not. And then, I made a choice to leave my marriage; to separate in hopes of restoring some integrity to it, and then, after two years,  knowing it was over. All of a sudden, I experienced being judged, sometimes quite harshly, for what I knew was the right decision for me. My eyes were opened, and my walk into the reality of grace become bigger and wider and truer.

I know that I often make a pendulum swing adjustment. The quotes I posted a few days ago are to keep me mindful; mindful of where I came from, and mindful of who I want to be.

A few months ago, I heard a woman say "Those who care, don't judge, and those who judge, don't care."

I've been listening deeply to those deceptively simple words.

Teach me to care.

surprised by grace

BEST- It was a conversation I've been dreading. The 15 year old, his good friend, and I were all in the kitchen. They were munching, I was putting away dishes. The friend, who lives only a block away, mentioned how much she will miss us when we move; I asked her if she will come to visit.

The 15 year old, taller than my 5'10" now by almost two inches, looked at me and said what I had been dreading to hear, "I could stay with this neighbor, or that neighbor. Then I wouldn't have to change high schools in the middle of my four years."

It is times like these that I value the silence and re-gathering I have learned in Quaker meeting. For delicate tender times require great centeredness. Time slowed, and I looked into his eyes, "Yeah, that is probably what I would want to do if I was you," I replied. Then I waited.

Nothing. I started to put it out there "Faj and I don't think it is a good idea to pursue that." But before I could finish, tears were very close to the surface for me, the 15 year old said "I don't think I could spend these next two years without you Mom."

He calls himself a momma's boy, because of his personality our relationship is easy and smooth. He knows when to say no, and he voices his opinions mostly clearly, but he is a no-drama type.

Frankly, I was surprised that he would want to make the move (and he has told me numerous times that there is not one single thing he is excited about in the move) instead of trying to figure out ways to stay behind.

The tears flowed then, of course, and this gentle string bean hugged me and said "Wow, I made you cry because you are so happy, that feels kind of good. I should do this more often.And can you believe how short you are?"

well..

"You know you have created God in your own image when He hates all the same people you do."
Anne Lamott

“The test of faith is whether I can make space for difference. Can I recognise God’s image in someone who is not in my image, whose language, faith, ideals, are different from mine? If I cannot, then I have made God in my image, instead of allowing Him to remake me in His.”
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks

naming reality or whining

WORST- Two weeks of what feels like lost time, and lost plot with the story of my life. My monthly infusion of my RA meds did not go well. In the aftermath, I found I was beside myself and getting back into my skin and my life has been taxing. I am no longer in a place where it is easy to feel grace with being sidelined from what feels like my life. Seeking that sweet spot of living life on life's terms and taking responsibility for my life and journey.

Chronic illness sucks and stating that reality does not mean I am whinging.

goings and leavings

BEST- It is the chill that is in the air; to many fall is a time of endings. This year, to me, it feels like a transition into many new beginnings. In eight short months, I will put Sojourn, the house where we have spent the last six years, on the market. In ten months, two of my sons will be high school graduates, and we will make the move to our new home (nameless still) in Philadelphia.

This weekend, I start new and more difficult clerking responsibilities, this week the 17 year old (high school senior), the 15 year old (high school sophomore) and the 19 year old (uni sophomore) start classes. Classes for the two youngest that carry the undertoad of "last time" in this place.

In yoga, I am working on opening my chest, my heart to the world. In life, I am doing the same. I find the results surprising. And the action often brings me back to the mantra I started School of the Spirit with over two years ago.

 

Lord Jesus,

Have mercy on me a sinner.

Teach me the way of mercy.

 

Mercy and change, compassion and focus, transitions, saying hello and good-bye in the same long even breath. Quite a year I am looking ahead to; quite a year I leave behind.

lies

Politifact did a great "fact check" on the health care debate so far. Six pages long, one statement at a time, and well worth the time to check it out, or use to reply to those chain e-mails that bear false witness.

John Sides, a blogger at the Monkey Cage, a blog whose stated purpose is "To publicize political science research" took the data from politifact and formed it into a graph.

For those who believe in the democratic process, and believe, as I do, that lies subvert that process, the graph is disheartening. It also helps to explain a bit of my anger at the Republican party on the lack of a true debate on this issue..

The graph:

sadness

WORST - I found myself on the edge of tears throughout most of the day yesterday. A few times the feeling became the reality of eyes welling up and spilling over.

I'm in a good place, lots of energy, very content. The juxtaposition between my inner peace and this deep sadness was strange, but I let myself feel it, and I wept when I needed to.

It's lifted a bit this morning.