living on both ends - an exploration of best and worst

loss

WORST- A man I knew in my twenties always said “I’m gonna name my first three kids woulda, shoulda, and coulda.” As a mom about to send her first born off to university, these three words circle round and round.

There is much I wish I woulda done, there is as much I know I shoulda done, and then there is the reality of that I coulda done.

 

But, at the end of the day, there is only what I did do, and what I left undone. We celebrate his leaving tonight with a dinner, a going away present of a footlocker stuffed overflowing of necessary dorm type stuff, and, probably, maybe, a round of best and worst.

 

He has been a very high maintenance child. He has been an amazingly fun child. He taught me well powerlessness and highlighted my desire to control.  I have often not known how to parent him. I have often not been able to give him what he needs. Profoundly gifted, incredibly sensitive, a ‘product of a broken home’. Since he started experimenting with alcohol at a summer job two years ago, he has become increasingly narcissist, and the craziness that is addiction has seemed, to me, to permeate his world, and infringe on mine. Sanity has been my goal this summer, and thru that work, and those rooms, and that surrender, I have come to that place of knowing we are not his safety net. Knowing that does not take away the sting of the loss.

beautiful and fragile

BEST- Life.

neighbor

WORST- He is 81, just sold his tailor business and is looking forward to retiring. He jokes about his calloused knees. He is a focused poker player, and loves the Yankees. Yelled at the neighborhood kids for stealing his Yankee flag, then apologized when his wife found it rolled up and placed in their coat closet.

 

For the two years we were painting Sojourn, he spoke often to L of his regret that he could not climb the scaffolding and help us out. He often shook his head at how slow we were. When the boys dad died, and we needed a kids suit jacket altered quickly, he did it, delivered it to us, and would take no payment. His wife took me to lunch a few weeks ago, and I heard how they met, how they married, their joys, some of their struggles, and she always hugs my neck and says “I love you.”

 

They are first generation Italian immigrants, and they live across the street.

 

Yesterday, in the late morning, and then around midnight, my sons came to let me know there was an ambulance in the street, and something was wrong at their house.

 

He is having trouble breathing. In and out of the hospital twice yesterday. It feels as if our whole block is holding its breath.

light

BEST- To me, words do matter. I believe that out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. I think it is important to listen deeply and well, and to hear what is underneath the words. To discern the authenticity, and if it is the heart speaking. I love a speech that rings true, that is well delivered, and that has substance of a life story that encases values and purpose. 

Last night, I relished watching and listening to all those likes come together. But that was not the best, although it could have been. What was the best is that I stayed up late to watch Michelle Obama’s speech, and when the ambulance came back to my neighbor’s house, I was still awake.

Later, when the flashing red and white was gone, and the street was quiet, I noticed their house was still lit up. It was 12:30 am. It was late, they had my number if they needed me, but I still felt an urging to ring their bell, and ask “How can I help?”  

My elderly neighbor was alone, crying, as her grown sons had gone with her husband to the hospital. I put the kettle on, came back to Sojourn to grab some Sleepytime Tea, and we were already sharing a cuppa when the phone rang, and her sons told her they needed their dads extra colonoscopy bags. How convenient that I was there to run them down to the local hospital.  

Michelle Obama spoke of the difference between we see in this country, and what we should see. She spoke of our obligation to fight for the world as it should be.

This morning, as I woke up on my neighbor’s couch, I was dreaming of the Kingdom of God. Of living in the tension of the here/not yet. Of living in the truth of faithfulness, obedience and love and how it brings the Kingdom to where we are, and to those around us.

 

 

words matter

WORST- Disruption. The morning retirement query we held was “What am I called to say yes to today?”  For me, that led quickly to a quest for perfection in obedience. And I chased that all day. Missing the plot, so to speak.

This morning, in our time of expectant silent waiting worship, the words “I am beside myself ” kept coming. So, I held these words in the Light and asked for the Spirit of the Living Christ to speak to my condition.

Beside myself was the right term, I was disconnected from that place of eternal truth which resides within. Surrender, for me, has to come from a place of being within myself, of being one and then surrendering to that connection with the One.

Otherwise, it is like watching a part of myself I am not connected with at all surrender to God’s will, Eternal Truth, and have no impact whatsoever on the me that is watching. It is in that soft tender vulnerable spot of inhabiting myself that true surrender happens for me.

Today, I want to say yes to that place, even though I am not certain what that looks, smells, sounds or tastes like. But I am pretty sure that is a place that is good.

hearts and feet

BEST- There is a deepening awareness that, for me, right now, God is in the process, not the details. Surrender to that process brings Life. Trying to control the details just leads to disconnection. And, for me, a separation from the here and now.

 

    Yes, I know this is nothing but thy love, O beloved of my
heart – this golden light that dances upon the leaves, these
idle clouds sailing across the sky, this passing breeze leaving its
coolness upon my forehead.

            The morning light has flooded my eyes – this is thy message
to my heart. Thy face is bent from above, thy eyes look down on my
eyes, and my heart has touched thy feet.

Rabindranath Tagore Gitanjali

offerings

Mother, I shall weave a chain of pearls for thy neck with my
tears of sorrow.
    The stars have wrought their anklets of light to deck thy
feet, but mine will hang upon thy breast.
    Wealth and fame come from thee and it is for thee to give
or to withhold them. But this my sorrow is absolutely mine
own, and when I bring it to thee as my offering thou
rewardest me with thy grace.

Rabindranath Tagore Gitanjali

circular loops

WORST – You know, once again, the vacuuming did not get done, and the bed sheets spent the night in the washer, because the line was still full with the kitchen linens.  

our meeting rocks :)

BEST- Last night, Ministry and Council met to continue with planning our second annual meeting retreat. Last year, the theme was “To deepen the work we do together”. Saturday morning was spent in extended meeting for worship, Saturday afternoon free time, and Saturday night was worship sharing with queries around the extended meeting for worship experience. Friday night, as people straggled in at varying times, was a simple meet and greet and space to get settled and clear. Sunday morning was a simple wrap up session, allowing space for what else needed to be said to be said, and then closing meeting for worship.

We are a small meeting, there were 12 of us at the retreat, which is practically our whole meeting, and we kept to just one group for worship sharing. The sense of the meeting, after the retreat, was that the extended meeting for worship was key to deepening the work we do together.

Last night we decided that our sense of the meeting, again, was for an extended meeting for worship on Saturday morning.

As one woman said “We’re Friends; meeting for worship is what we do.” I love being part of a meeting where that understanding is prevalent.

The queries for worship sharing will be geared toward framing sharing our spiritual journeys. It is a process we started last year, with intent toward learning to listen to all participants’ language of their authentic journey. For my liberal yearly meeting, what that statement mostly means is that Christian language is as ‘accepted’ as any other, and we will let our love for each other be more prominent than our discomfort.

I love being part of a meeting where that understanding is prevalent too.

quote of the day

Jung has stressed that struggling with one's own shadow permits a degree of self-reliance and psychological autonomy, an enlargement of consciousness, the sacrifice of the ideal of perfection for one of wholeness, and some relativization of good and evil - clearly necessary if we are all to live on one planet.  Erich Neumann further suggest that bearing one's own shadow liberates the collective:

In contrast to scapegoat psychology, in which the individual eliminates his own evil by projecting it onto the weaker brethren, we now find that the exact opposite is happening: we encounter the phenomenon of "vicarious suffering." The individual assumes personal responsibility for part of the burden of the collective, and he decontaminates this evil by integrating it into his own inner process of transformation. If the operation is successful, it leads to an inner liberation of the collective, which in part at least is redeemed from this evil.

The Scapegoat Complex, Toward a Mythology of Shadow and Guilt, Sylvia Brinton Perera

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The key is disidentifying with the burden of the scapegoat complex, and moving into a healthy awareness of carrying the scapegoat archetype consciously.